Dear Journal

I wanted to prove to myself that i too can do if i would only be disciplined.

1) I wanted to wake up so early, that i could still hear the roosters waking the neighborhood up. My brother tells me it's all in the matter of how you want your body would respond. You have to be used to if there'd be something that you wanted to do til you reach your goal.

2) I wanted to stop thinking bout this person. Someone whom i know who has this huge love for this person. How confusing, just don't make yourself tire thinking of who you want  to have in mind. I wanted to wait.. at the right moment. For i know in due time, everything will be the best thing that i could ever imagine.

PATIENCE.. aacckk!! i must not forget. if i'd learn how ot wait... marvelous things would happen.

From this day onwards, i will do my best... to obey for HE wanted me to obey with no questions asked.  

Little did i know that God has been testing me with all these trials that come my way. Allow me to start off with:

1) The conflict between my sister and I. I know i have disappointed her. Obedience indeed involves pain. And i mean soo much pain that only God knows when it'd stop and end. I have been waiting for this to end. Struggling for 3 months, going on 4 months... could you imagine? Man! I can't wait, when i get to perfect these fruits of the Spirit : PATIENCE, FAITH/TRUST and HOPE. If He started it, He will be faithful to complete it. Romans 8:28 ~ these has a purpose. I may not understand what it is, but in due time i will.

2) Waiting for the right man. It was when i woke up this morning, when i read a message in my phone.. it was from my "friend" he just never quits on hurting me. He sends these messages and he's not even aware that i am hurting all the more. If only i could count on the things that i did for him... he tells me i break promises, and he tells me i left him all alone... what?! hello?! What else does he want from me? I am soo hurt and i think i don't deserve to be feeling this way. As i opened my eyes, i realized that God is waiting for me too! Confusing? Hmm... here's how it goes... If i wanted someone to grow old with, then i must give him my heart, and i mean my entire heart. Yet, little did i realize that i still am holding on something and someone from my past. I never let him go... So. I should from this time onwards, let God be.

Mr. B... God knows i have been praying for you. For your safety ang for God to embrace you with HIS loving arms. Someday, and i hope God will tell you how i am feeling for you. It hurts me sometimes that you only see me as your little sister. I just wanted you to feel and see right through my eyes that all i am longing for is you. I am waiting on God's leading... but i am hoping it would be you.

Thursday, July 10, 2008 The team stopped working and headed to church. The Missions Conference just ended and i was more than challenged to serve and to focus on HIM. I cried my heart out, and i could not even stop my tears from falling down my cheeks... I was burdened, I was getting weak, but then when i started talking with my Pastor... he revealed to me something that i didn't even see for myself. I was impatient, he says. I know i am struggling... he taught me to see how big God is and not see how big the problem is. That was then i knew that i will never perfect the 3 things that God wanted me to learn and perfect: TRUST/FAITH ; PATIENCE ; HOPE. Though people throw words that really mean and hurt me more, I shall not be moved. These people who are even close to me and of keen blood, I am hurt and i must not lie. Pastor K wanted me to move on so she could see that even if she's hurting me, i still love her and still am helping her. God knows my heart, HE's never blind. I will be still. HE is there to strengthen me. This time, I am holding on to the verse that Pastor K gave me and wanted me to hold... Philippians 1:6 ~ since HE started all these... HE promised to be faithful and will complete it. HE will fight the battle for me. I know my best friend wanted me to hold on to Romans 8:28 and i still am. He wanted me to just continue and never give up for GOD never gives up on me.

Saturday, July 12, 2008 The five of us: Nami, Miss D and her sister, my brother and i went to Olanggo island. That was my first time to ever relax and have the best time of my life for this year. Though i was not able to take a plunge, low tide was more than what we expected. I stayed in the shore and talked with the local kids... I was challenged, God used me to win their souls and bring at HIS feet. I was able to share and witness God's love. Now, I got 3 stones.

I tell you, teaching sunday school is really a challenge and it changes me each day.

Walking in faith, living by grace... as how i keep telling my best friend. Though he is always on a trip may it be for ministry and for his business... I am just glad and thankful that he is just there to listen. Spending time with him and his dad, talking over a 3-flavored-ice cream can never be bought never will i replace it with anything.

God is just sooo amazing for giving me such wonderful and nice friends. Surrounding me and reminding me that my God is soo big, soo strong and soo mighty and there's nothing that God cannot do for me. I shall not be moved, for the battle is HIS and not mine. I just have to be still, and even when i just stand there... looking at HIM fight the enemy, He'll strengthen me so i will go on.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.

I know i am holding on to Romans 8:28, and i am still holding on to this verse.
I was more than blessed last thursday... though i cried my heart out... i guess i was impatient, and didn't trust God. I only see the problem so big and yet GOD is even bigger than our problems and troubles and heartaches. I have to know that whatever God has begun... He will complete it.

PATIENCE.TRUST and HOPE.

These are the 3 fruits that God wanted me to master. I believe i really perfect these 3 gifts i have.

I have learned to be content and i have learned that all these things work together for my good. He has begun a good work in me, He will be faithful to complete it. I know my best friend wanted me to hold on to Romans 8:28, i am still holding on to it. With an added verse from Pastor K, Philippians 1:6. I shall not be... I shall not be moved!

Why does he treat me as a little sister? Miss D has noticed that he just treats me differently. Arrghh!!

Can't we just tell a guy that we like him? I would love to do that.. it's just that i think things would go just the way it was before when i would tell him that i like him.

There's this guy who told me that there are 5 languages of love. Hmm. Do you want to know what would be those 5 things?

Well, here it is.. 1) Affection ~ There are guys who love girls who would appreciate what they are doing.. and even if they did such a small thing... so long as they would feel appreciated... it'd mean LOVE.

2) Service ~ there are guys who feel loved when girls do something for them. May it be a major one or not.

3) Touch ~ There are guys who also feel loved when girls wanted some affection, such as hugging and just a simple pat on the back!

4) Things ~ Guys feel loved when you give him something... anything.. so long as it's from you. It'd be very special for him.

5) Quality Time ~ Time is indeed the best gift you can give to someone. There's none who can give it but you. This is something that even money couldn't buy.

*sigh... whatever must i do to let him feel that i care for him?

Whenever I am feeling this way... the only solution would just be an ice cream. It was a good thing that Miss D treat me one this afternoon when we went to the mall to buy a wireless router in the office.

What have i done? Am i this cruel? Am i this rude and selfish? It has been three months, i've been waiting for the time she'd talk to me... not until my phone rang... hello?! *%$#*@!!! it was her... everything was black and white in this house. I have asked my folks about this... i mean.. of course i could not decide for myself... it's their house right? I could not understand what she meant by that... everytime i try to explain... she would not even dare to listen. I am just a girl from hell. No matter how i try to say sorry..

I am hurt, I could not understand what she was talking about.

What's with this ice cream? Why does it has to connect whenever im feeling down and way real low?