Dear Journal

Running the race when i am not a runner. I am not a fighter nor i am an athlete. But He made me one. You and i have to fight this fight and stand for what is right. Lately, i am feeling blue. I would rather not listen to people talking and continue serving instead. I prefer to be who i am and not for what i am, why can't people just understand. These trials and tribulations... these aren't common for HIM.

Our discipleship study at Mickedys was spectacular. I have seen God working in me. I was really moved and was more than blessed. I was comforted. I knew God was in the midst and in me.

I am just amazed at how God has been using people to comfort me when im down and burned out. Imagine yourself being on fire and really busy serving the Lord.. and the next day the fire just went off. Tears start to fall and you couldn't understand why. Yes, whenever you feel this way, God would even use an unbeliever to lift you up. Ecclesiastes 3:7 ~ sorrows would turn out to be the best to prune and to let you be the best you can be.

People, friends and even your own family can be a part of your trials... Press on! Romans 8:28

Listening for a word of direction

In a world of lost affection

Searching for a life with meaning

Finding nothing apart from Christ

Looking back at the cross and seeing what we have to pay.

I am ready to take the step

Yes, I am willing to stand and say...

That I'd give my all for Christ

Fight the good fight

and stand for the right

the best i can be until He comes for me

I'd give my all ; answer the call

I'd give my all for Christ

Nothing less would be good enough

Knowing my savior died for me

My course is fixed, my purpose clear

I would be true so the whole world would hear...

It has been a long time that the three of us had our last fellowship. Even if it was just for the least 45 minutes.. i was able to enjoy and was encouraged and more blessed. I am glad God has been working in each of our lives.

I could not believe God has heard our prayers. He does listen i could tell. I am trusting HIM all the more.

This time our friendship has strengthened... The bond that we use to hold on to... it came stronger as we continue to be faithful and grow and walk on our journey with Jesus.

Norlyn... I could not imagine that your heart would complete a guy like him. Your friendship gets deeper... I am getting excited for you.

Tetet... I was shocked when i knew your life would be blessed for such a faithful guy like him. We just couldn't tell and we wouldn't know that it'd be a challenge for you.

Ahh.. heartaches and tears has gone as the wind and time passes through us. I have learned my lesson... yes, it might be the hard way but i got no regrets. I shouldn't be where i am right now if it were not for my past.

That night when i talked with him... he told me he just wanted someone who could accept him as who he is. Someone who could complete him and most of all... someone who could be with him in serving the Lord. Whaaah!!! I am all the more really blessed. I mean he always do. I always thank God for him. I am glad he's there for me.

She says she was wondering what she has done that hurt me more. Then i told myself, she sure doesn't know that i was hurting all the more. Why does obedience have to cause pain and hurt? He told me to take hold of this verse in Romans 8:28 and have peace. I will hold on to this verse coz i know time will come that my sister would soon talk to me. Working for her is really a drag. I could not even concentrate and can't think. I could think no more. I don't know what i should do so i could settle everything. She says I just use the church and even use God for things that I do not want to do. I was deeply hurt. Have i done something wrong that i deserve to be hurting this much?

Now, i understand and feel how her husband is feeling... All she gives in return is to have herself what she wants and she wouldn't care if she has hurt other or not. How would you call it? Selfish.

I could not do more, i have done everything to settle things. I am quitting and no matter if i got nothing left, i cant be productive since i could not focus. I long for the day that i'd be working with my WIN Tech buddies in our office in church. If it would cause me pain and hurting... then i have to face and deal with it. Romans 8:28 

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The Philippines has only 2 seasons... After the sunny days.. then came the rain pouring. Having a new season is just like having a new chapter in your life. I begin to unfold new seasons of my life. Though I haven't have a final date for me to stop working but i choose to stop since I don't have income for this month and it's about time to look for one. I mean, another job for me to pay all the bills. And this job is... working full time in church.

I was crying my heart out the whole day last Saturday. I stayed in church and was comforted by my friends. Norlyn was there to the rescue. A shoulder to cry on to indeed. Jina was listening and though she has this pain in her body, she managed to get up and let me understand that obedience really hurt and would take pain.

I wanted to talk with my sister and really explain to her what i feel. I wanted to tell her the reason why i'd stop. I bend my knees and pray that he might understand and know that what I am doing is for the Lord and not to please anybody. Colossians 3:23. I am all the more dependent and trusting HIM more each day that comes.

The rains may pour upon me but in due season... rainy days would soon be over and the sun would come up.

A new chapter of my life...

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How long should one wait for someone so one could start doing the other. Why does obedience have to hurt and would cause pain? I know in the end these things shall pass. I know that in obeying what God wants me to do... He would be more pleased with me. I am just doing things that would glorify Him.

It has been 2 weeks now that i have been waiting for my sister to talk with me. I was ultra shocked with what she told me last night. I couldn't even believe that she could say that. 'I am just a hypocrite. Making the church as an alibi.' I was never expecting she would tell me those. I got gooseflesh and i am all the more struggling. I am telling her the truth that I would be working fulltime for the church. Why can't she just understand that i have a life as well. This is where I would be happy.

I have been helping her since, I know i should not be doing this... but it has been more than 2 years that all i have been doing is for her own good. She wanted me to go to Korea... and even if i insisted... she still wants me to. Staying there was never that easy. I was unhappy and wanted to go home but she doesn't want me to. I know they have paid for my air fare, but i guess it's quite unfair for not feeling what ive been feeling. Working for her, i am just unhappy. She just doesn't want to listen sometimes.

This time... Since i have done my part, wanting to talk to her and asking for forgiveness... I have done everything but it's her who doesn't want to listen. How may i be able to continue what God wanted me to do... if they wouldn't let me go. I am thankful, my friends are there to listen to my cries. They comforted me. And even Hope, this junior in church... i was so blessed when she just patted my back and said... "Everything's gonna be alright." I am all the more thankful that God has been there for me and is soo faithful. Im glad He loves me more than anything. ^^