Dear Journal

... Salamat. That was the last word and i have never heard of him again. I wanted us to stop communicating. I wanted to know if he'd really keep his promise or not. But he insisted. He says he will... but i doubt. I am losing hope. My trust... it seems like it's been losing too. I wanted him to prove something... if i am really for him or if we would end up together. But i guess... everything seemed to be out of control. Being honest sometimes breaks someone's heart right? I wanted to tell him that for the past days that we've been communicating... I am starting to fall out of love. Could this be because i am just tired of those promises that seemed to be broken and unkept? I am tired of waiting for nothing. I believe that if we really are for each other, He will find a way for us to be together. Now, i don't think that would be possible... my feelings for him... they are almost gone. As the days passed... my love for him went with the time that has passed. I am aware that i have made a promise... I will still keep it... I know I am beginning to like this guy... i just don't know yet...

      March-ians ... as how my brother calls it when you're celebrating your birthday on March. We gave Nami a simple birthday present... we gave her the new cake in Red Ribbon. She made some mango mousse and shared them to us. Good for her that she could make one while i couldn't.

When i got home with the cake... we immediately lighted the sparkling candles and brought the cake to her. Although it was just the 3 of us celebrating her birthday... I could in her eyes that she was happy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I am really tired of waiting... I know God teaches me to be patient and trust but this time... It seems like it takes me forever to wait for someone who doesn't even know and understand what i am feeling right now. Why does it have to be at the end of this year? Is this another promise that you don't even try to keep. My heart has been hurt, really hurt that i think i could no longer dare to carry the pain if there'd still be one. Are you just plainly playing with my feelings. You know that i have been loving you still... but why do you have to treat me this way. I hate myself knowing that i am still loving someone who do not even made a move.

Sometimes, i wanted to run soo fast.. so my pain would fly with the wind as it rushes over me. How i wish it would be as easy as it could be.

I am holding on to the friendship that we remained for the moment. Guess I couldn't have him so i am satisfied for having him as my friend. I would rather have him as a friend than losing him. I can't afford to lose him anymore. No matter how i try to forget about him, i just couldn't... there is something that i just couldn't let go. And no matter how i try to like someone, i only end up hurting myself.

I believe what we left was something that was hard to lose. I know I did the right decision breaking up with him last year... i was soo deeply hurt. I thought i could move on... Although, my friends in church helped me... i just couldn't lie to myself that there are times that i am missing him.

What i have now... I will hold on to it... I will wait... 'til God tells me when.

Whoever says friends come and friends go... These days, there is no one i could not confde on to but my friends whom i know who's really dear to me. Having Christian and Godly friends encourage me to just move on with life. Struggles and trials that come my way makes me feel exhausted and stressed out. There are times when i'm really feel upset about my brother. I thought of doing things my way sometimes but somehow God let me understand His tender mercies and His cries everytime i kneel before Him and ask for His love and care. He does care and he listens... John 11:22, I am holding on to this verse. Bro. Benjie told me to just trust Him and to fully fall in love with Him... Matthew 6:33. I know He will never break HIs promises and will keep them until He fulfills what He wants to do with my life.

I may be crying, God knows my heart. Kuya may not see it, but honestly, i am soo deeply hurt. I am praying for you and will never cease until God asks me to stop. I love you so much that I'd rather not have the things that i want just for you to be pleased. I'd rather work so hard and even gets sick of working... And no matter how tired I am, it's just nothing so long as you would have what you want. I hope you would also understand what i am feeling right now. Physically, emotionally, and mentally and sometimes spiritually stressed. I just hope and pray you would see how I am.

I just recovered from my asthma. The whole week i was able to take a rest. I am glad God has used people to let me be refreshed from exhaustion. I am physically, mentally and emotionally stressed. Thanks gurl for sending me those messages when in moments that i really feel tired and thought i don't know exactly what to do. Sometimes, i imagine things and think about doing things my own way again just to get rid of these trials that I am facing in. But each time i think about it... i always hear HIM say... NO! He lets me know that He has been crying and knows what i am feeling. My verse today is in John 11:22 -- I trust HIM for that! I am holding on to this promise until He will fulfill what He wanted to do in my life.

My teacher called me up... he was concerned and i know people are too! Ruth, my discipler told me there is a time for everything. Ecclesiastes 3 says, in due time... everything will be beautiful in His perfect time. She asked me to take care of myself. She cares and i'm thankful that God gave me these people to care for me.

I know i should find time to take a rest and find time for me to relax and give time for myself... I don't want to be exhausted and be fed up. Everything I am doing... remember is for HIM... Colossians 3:23!

In the middle of this crisis that our family has been through... all i ever wanted is someone to talk to. My church friends are quite busy at these moments... there has been a lot of events happening in church and i even have to be there to take part of it. Sometimes, i think of those 'if only... ' but i guess it wouldn't happen right? God wouldn't allow me to be gone astray. I'm glad though that our pastor is there for me to help me pray whenever i ask him to. His wife, encourages me everytime i see him working for the Lord.

It was last Tuesday, when i tried to give him a ring. I tried to find out if his phone still works... it did ring. Aagghh!! Guess, he has a life of his own now. I left him... guess i should've not go back and run to him right? I always put in mind that God has purpose and reasons... I will know in due time... I will know why God made you...

Would you still call it love when he hits you? Would you still call it love even when it causes your parents and brother's life? My sister is facing the turmoil these days... and i couldn't think of any solution better than praying. Calling on to Him and asking Him to comfort each and every one of us. I hate to think that my brother-in-law is not doing his part as a husband. He's supposed to take care of my sister and even treat my parents with care. But here he is... allowing himself to be used by the devil. Sometimes i do get tired... tired of working when all I'm working for is not for me but for others. Tired of praying... i hate to think that waiting is not as pleasing as it could be. I know i should have patience and courage to go on with life... I do get discouraged at times. Im only human...

God allowed me to see the future and what i should do... He let me see plainly how to choose someone to grow old with. He let me see how to bring and raise a family. There's lots of responsibilities...

He allowed this to happen because He wanted to...

"For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" - 2 Corinthians 4:17 -

I was wondering sometimes... i wanted to do things beyond imaginable. I mean, not the usual things that i'm supposed to do. I was thinking of going to get rid of the problems that i have to face. Can i do things on my own? I'm getting weak now and tired of praying and even don't know what to say... should i ask? should i thank? When times like these... all i think of is going away from home and leave them behind. Am i cruel enough?

Yesterday, i was reading our chat history...

I never knew that you'd come back and find me.

I still have you here in my heart.

These are the words that came out from my heart. I have to leave him and break up with him no matter how it hurts me soo much. Choosing between what seems right and what is rght. What's the difference? My cousin told me yesterday when i went to their house and asked them for help... she told me... i maybe crying now... but surely in the end it'd be a blessing.

Family... they are more important to me now.

The family is currently affected with my sister's family problems. What exactly does it mean when you have a family of your own? Should you still consider others when you decide and make decisions. True, that i once wanted to have my ways but I've learned things the hard way. Now, i am waiting on God's leading each day. Here we are so troubled and bothered with my sister's decision... she wanted us to stay away from her when she has mama and papa with her. How can we not care for them. The fact that they are miles and miles away, all we could do is pray. Sometimes, i wanted to do things even if God wouldn't be pleased... I think about doing things my way just to get rid of this. But part of me is strugling and telling me not to do things i'd regret in the end. This time, i really can't afford looking at my family suffer... i'd rather not sleep, be working and not minding of the hours that i should be resting and eating than looking at them having a hard time. Hearing my mother's cry... if only you could... when all you could do is to listen on the other end of the phone and you couldn't even wipe her tears away. It only breaks my heart.