Dear Journal

Do you sometimes let people decide for you? Do you sometimes do things your own way?

What would you do if people wants you to do things you don't want to? I hate when these things happen. It's been 3 years now that i have not decided things for myself. I know sometimes my decisions may not do any good for me. But i have somehow learned my lesson even if it's in the hard way. 2005, i had a boyfriend whom i rarely even know. I met him months after. 2006, i spent a week with him without letting my family know. I was wrong... totally wrong! I did things my own way, i was selfish and so i have to face the consequence.

Going to Korea is not even what i wanted. Although it may be an opportunity for me to enjoy and be in a totally different place, there is no place like home. I wanted to go home and spend my birthday and spend christmas with mama, papa and kuya over here in philippines... but they wanted me to stay! arrgghh!! can't they ever feel what i felt?!

2008, working in Japan may be an opportunity for me. If i did my own way and flew to Japan as what i wished... i could not imagine what my life would be there. I always thank God that people in church would really help me open my eyes and see the truth. They helped me during those moments when i was tremedously lonely. I have to let go the person whom i knew i have loved so dear. Why would these things happen?! Sometimes i ask God why can't i be with him?! I'm still praying for him though, he needs my prayers the most.

Staying in Korea... how long should i stay there?! Whaaa!! Why does she always gets to decide and not let me know what her plans are. I know i have to help her alright... why can't she just tell me that all she ever wanted is... i must not tell... i hate to think that people gets to decide for myself.

My brother tells me that people don't have the right to do this to me. He tells me to stand on whatever decision i make. Be firm for no one can let me do things when i don't want to. My teacher tells me to cheer up and just think about my sister who feels lonely in that place. A place where she decides she'd live. Sometimes i come to think of it, he might be right... arrghhh!!!! i just hate it!

But somehow, i could not do something about it. er.. it's just that, it's just so hard to weigh things when you have  someone here in your heart trying to convince you do such a thing. It's not easy sometimes when you're a christian. You see Jesus in the eyes of those people surrounding you... how difficult is that! huh?!