Dear Journal

I was soo sad yesterday that i was getting weak... I just couldn't understand why people would always decide for me. Why can't i make decisions on my own. All i just want is to celebrate my birthday here with my friends and enjoy. I had my birthday in Korea last year and although it was my first time to experience snow... it's still different when you're with the rest of the family and when you're at home. 2007, i want to just stay here in Philippines and not go anywhere... i got nothing personal... it's just that i want to celebrate my birthday here. There has been a lot of things that i let people decide: 1) having a relationship (which i know i'm wrong) ; 2) getting a job ; 3) celebrating my birthday ... i don't want to think about it... now my birthday is never exciting and never is something to look forward to!

I hate myself everytime i remember him. Although i wanted to forget him but i just couldn't sometimes. He became a memory and i am having a hard time to erase him in my mind... I'm glad i have my church friends with me to just let me keep on holding on and just letting me ask His help for me to move on. The more i get to recall those moments we shared when i get to read those conversations we had. The fun times and even those sad times... I could not forget. How will i ever move on if he keeps on coming back in my mind? Why do i even bother... and yet i do not know if he still remembers me at all. Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe if he even loved me at all. Sometimes, it's also unfair that it was only i who kept on loving him and proving that i did... while i don't even get to see his ways and his persistence. I am soo much hurt everytime i remember. I am soo much hurt everytime you are near. I am soo much hurt that you couldn't even see the pain. Soo deeply hurt.

But even if i am hurt... i still am praying for you. I have to. He loves you soo much that He couldn't afford to lose you. I know we'll meet somehow... somewhere... sometime... i really do not know.

I was hit right on the head when i had my quiet time this morning before going to work. Lately, God has not spoken and I couldn't even hear Him say a word or so. I was hoping and I waited... It was not until this morning that i knew what hindered my ears to listen to His voice. Hatred: this is the first reason why i am not able to hear Him say something. I was blinded. Doubts and Worries << these two... I must admit that i am more worried and more in doubt that last month. I got nowhere to run... I carry all these burden and I don't even know how to find all the solutions. But He told me... this morning... I need to let Him speak so i could listen. Just as Samuel did... he let God speak so he could listen. 1 Peter 5:7 says... He cares for me more than i know. I need not to worry for He will take care all these.

Although it may be difficult for me take all these... God will be there to support and care for me. I cannot do this all alone... I need His help!

Whenever you make decisions, let me ask you something? Do you get to think about the others on how would it affect to them or in some way? Everytime I make decisions... I would always think about others. If only I could make decisions on my own... I could not imagine where would I be now and what my life would be if i only think on myself and made decisions on my own. If long before, when i had a relationship with an unbeliever boyfriend... I would have married and had kids from him but i wouldn't know how long will our happy moments last. I have no idea. Although I trusted him, I loved him, but i do not know if his love for me was real. If I didn't quit in working in a call center. I would not be able to enjoy the fellowship and the company of my church friends. Mama would be worried sick, everytime i leave the house and work on a graveyard shift schedule. If I followed my emotions and didn't trust God that He'd provide just enough for our needs. That, He'd give it when I need it the most. If I said yes to my boss' offer to work full time with the same graveyard shift schedule. My brother would be so much be worried for me. I know i have my own mind, my own life... it's just that, I am not alone in this house, in this world. I must not be selfish and be doing things on my own. My life is not my own, but of God's. His will will always be what must be done. Even if it hurts, I must accept the reality and must do what He wants me to do.

I asked my brother what other Japanese dramas is there that would really break your heart aside from 5 centimeters per second ... and he says... Ichi Rittoru no Namida.. whatever does this mean?? One Litre Of Tears.

I've been watching this drama for 2 days now and believe me... when i say it's a heavy drama.. it is really a heavy drama. I've been crying even on the first 2 episodes.

Episode 1:

This is a story about a 15-year old girl, who has this really cruel sickness that you could not imagine. She gets to weaken her body, starts to fall for no reason, be out of balance, could not speak, could not see... as the symptom progresses... the family is having a hard time to reveal to the girl, Aya, her sickness.

This was the scene right after she fell on the ground... She was diagnosed... and there has never been a cure for this sickness. Her mum was looking for the best doctor possible and is willing to do whatever it takes to save Aya.

She still didn't know why she her body seem to weaken... all she knew was it was a common sickness to all teenagers like her.

Episode 2:

Her parents still kept her sickness a secret. She tries to live a normal life. This is Asou... he goes to school where Aya goes... He met him on their High school entrance exams. Asou was about to tear his ID so as he wouldn't take the exam but Aya came and as always... fell on the ground and Asou came to rescue and they went to school together and took the exam.

They both passed!

“If everything you say is true, why don’t more people believe?”

 Attention all youths... It's time for our Young People's Program hosted by Group 2 with the theme: If Everything You Say Is True, Why Don't More People Believe? We started the program with songs for the Lord! To prepare ourselves to stay focused on Him alone... Loyd and Jecilla were there to lead us with songs of praises and worship. Of course, we would not forget the presence of our visitors and everyone else. We welcomed the visitors and let them feel that we're truly blessed for having them as part of our fellowship.

Let's go to the fun side... Billy hosted the game which is called... Bubble-Up! Here's the mechanics: They need to chew the gum and let it blow and bubble up in less than 3 minutes. Simple?! I don't think so?

It took sometime to blow a bubble gum you know?! But it was fun! Group 1 won!! No worries Group 2...there's still next time.

Calling all gentlemen... Jason hosted the 2nd game. A game which is just in time for the weather in that afternoon. Guys need to hop with their umbrella, and a book on their shoulders.. and off you go!!! Pretty simple huh?! Although group 2 tried... still, group 1 won! Congratulations!! 

From the fun side... we go to the serious side... Group 2 prepared a skit so as to have an introduction on what the topic for that afternoon's program. "Ang buhay ni Pachuchay" Juniors participated in the skit with the help of the big brothers and big sisters... people were blessed with the story. Juniors had fun playing their roles... from a mother to a driver and an agent to a househelp.. they were enjoying!

And now... whatever this sentence means... "If everything you say is true, why don't more people believe?" Kids have their separate class so as they could understand better.

Nothing could beat God's word... That's not all... the most important part of the program... THE MESSAGE. Bro. Cording was our speaker.

I am suppose to write today something about my brother... but it ended up yesterday was really a whirlwind Tuesday.

Novemebr 13, 2007 (Tuesday):

It all started with the news on the local radio station that a Japanese national was shot just right 10mins away from our house. We were really glued to it. I couldn't imagine how in the world people can just easily kill someone and leave after. Whoa!!

I went to the office to get something... I stayed for a little while and had a wonderful chat with Tina, the teacher i got close with. When i got home... When i entered my room... there i saw... my Bible was ripped and torn... I cried! Really, I am so upset and very disappointed and i could not explain what that feeling was. That Bible was from Doulos and who knows when will the ship ever be back here in Cebu. I am glad kuya offered his Bible which was as much the same as my Bible... only difference is... mine was colored baby blue... his is black. Anyway, i hope someone gives me a Bible. :p

Then came a call from my cousin last night while i was in a class. It was my brother who answered the call. My cousin and my auntie were on board that motor boat that sank in the middle of Cebu and Camotes seas. And to think, my brother was suppose to be in Camotes over the weekend or so. We were all worried... I must be honest! But God was there to comfort me. My cousin called up and told us that we need to pick him up in the port. He was cold and they must find my aunt... My brother was in a hurry to get there... BOOM! a public utility vehicle just bumped the car. Thank God he's safe. And everything was just in order. My other cousin found my aunt and everything is just ok...

I tried to talk with Ronald... phew! answered prayer!! His girlfriend and him got back!! woohooo!!! I told him he just go to have faith.

I was able to witness how God works... and really placed things in order. Everything was just ok... :)

When i went home and got into my room, i immediately saw the pieces od paper scattered on my bed. Then i saw a piece from the leather cover... our dog tore and ripped my Bible... i cried and i was really really upset. It was my Bible, and i got it from Doulos. And i don't even know if it's sold here. I hate to think that i was handling it with care and a dog just ripped it into pieces!!!! What?!! My brother offered his Bible and he says he's gonna give it to me. We got the same Bible the only difference is... the color. I got a baby blue and he got a black. I have nothing much to say... it was done and it's through. I just hope Doulos or if not... Logos Hope will be back in Cebu. I guess i should count 6 years... T_T

Yesterday in church, i was really busy and i felt sorry for my two friends jody and edmon. I havent really entertained them. I make myself busy as ever so as to fully get over and just let him be a memory. Rollie and I have this sorta agreement between Norlyn which really requires too much attention. November 11, 2007 (Sunday) Norlyn gave us both a deadline to break up with our unbeliever boyfriend and girlfriend. I did my part and probably so does with Rollie. It was not until yesterday that i didn't really realize that he was quite sensitive when it comes to those kind of stuffs.. And i just couldn't believe he was probably hurt i guess with what i said when we were in church. I asked him right in front of the rest of us if he did his part... although i didn't mention the whole story, but he thinks i was trying to make fun of him. What?! hello?! i never meant to do that. But, i apologized to him this morning though. Apology accepted!

Next: Edmon.. i keep trying to let him know that i don't like him at all.. but he still persuades. Arrghh!!! i hate it! I just can't take his personality... he seems to argue and fight over small things and tries to correct things even if there's nothing to be corrected. He wants people to tell him and not hide something from him.. And even if you try to explain that there are things which are better left unsaid... he still insists!!! duh?! what's with this guy?!!!!

Next: Ronald is still in deep pain... i wanted to help him over the weekend.. it's just that, i was really busy in church. I was trying to keep in touch with him though and do my best to help him. I know these will just pass... i just want him to know that he can't carry the burden all by himself... he needs someone, he needs HIM most!

People are just different from each other... One is really distintive.

Before you become a memory

On that day I saw your smiling face

Standing out of the crowd

The color of the water and scent of the wind

Don’t they seem different now?

Tomorrow I’ll get on a boat

And we’ll part ways

My dream of a life with you

Won’t come true

We can’t continue

On this path we’ve been led on

From this day

Things will never be the same

Before you become a memory

Smile for me just one more time

Even if it’s just a lie

Trouble me those child-like eyes

Every time we got close it was a struggle

Though we spoke only the truth

We’d get caught together

Tumbling down a hill

Though the shadows and light we chased

Have faded now

The image of your ears and nose

Linger with me still

Don’t forget

The days we spent together

They meant more to me

Than the entire world

Before you become a memory

Smile for me just one more time

Don’t leave me here today

Like a rainbow blown by the wind

Before you become a memory

Smile for me just one more time

Even if it’s just a lie

Trouble me with those child-like eyes

Before I become a memory

Smile for me just one more time

Don’t leave me here today

Like a rainbow blown by the wind