Dear Journal

Here's a story i wrote before i came here to Korea.

  March 22, 2006 (Wednesday)

MEMOIRS ... I WILL NEVER FORGET

          Who says all love stories end up living happily ever after? For fairy tales maybe, but life is not a fairy tale. I have been through ab adventure but i should say, a great love story worth to tell. Up until now, my love story still an ending, a happy ending ... I hope. Believe it or not my love story is just like those fancy love stories you see on TV. I never thought and never did I imagine for these things to happen in my life.

          It was in January 2005 when I got the job in an online game company. My job was to keep the in-game community have life. So summing up, my job requires me to stay online in my entire working hours. I met him... yea, you guessed it right... I met him online. He was there and I was using my normal character. I really didn't pay attention on those guys I meet online 'coz I just had a weird relationship with someone I met online too (but with another online game). I was just busy power leveling on my own 'til i get to reach the level where i get to tank and help those low levels. (Sorry for the readers who can't understand my terms, only gamers could) From that time on, I had been chatting and meeting with him online regularly. Our company brought me to Dumaguete and Zamboanga. Those days where i was away form home makes me miss everyone and that includes him. I didn't tell him my full information yet though we get to meet online (in-game) everyday. We were not suppose to let anybody know most importantly people online. He's always there chatting with me most of the time. We talked about almost everything. I've shared my problems and even shared my dreams with him. He was my best friend. We call each other "best". People online knew us 'coz we always hang out together. Those days how i long for him to call or even text me but he wasn't able to. Those days when my father was in the hospital and i was there to watch over him, i wanted someone whom i could talk with each night i was there at the hospital watching my father. Kept looking at my phone, wishing for him to call but he didn't. As i went back to work (from a few days leave), he says he was praying for my father to get well. Made me smile when he told me that.

          One time, he told me he was here in Cebu. All i ever wish is for us to meet but time didn't allow us to. He didn't find time for us to meet. My officemates have noticed us always chatting, they even tell me to forget about him 'coz he's been fooling me and just playing around. They say he's no serious about his feelings, but i didn't believe on those things they say against him.

         We were suppose to meet at the mall. I was excited that time. Finally, I'd be able to tell him everything, everything like where I'm working and all. But he didn't show up. I was disappointed but i didn't let him know. "I'm sorry", he said. "It's alrightI replied. That was the first time that i waited for him but he didn't show up. Then there was the second time. Didn't had my lunch 'coz he said we were suppose to have lunch together. But then again he didn't show up. Then there was this third and fourth time, don't want to go in details, it just saddens me everytime i remember those. He's got reasons and i respect him for those. Couldn't get mad at him I just can't. Asked him to send me some pictures of him but he didn't. Wanted to forget about him but i just can't.

          I started to get jealous everytime he talks about that girl his cousin wants him to date with. "Go get her!", I said but deep inside, i was hurt. Can't understand why i was feeling that way. " I like this someone ... " he started. Then i asked him who's this girl. I told him that i've been praying for him that he'd find someone who's nice and as kind as him. We both had a relationship before, a relationship that wasn't meant to be. His girlfriend left him, my boyfriend left me.

          Sudden;y, he told me he liked me and that he loved me. "We could never be", I said. Tried to let him understand that we got lots of differences. Age is one, I'm older, he's younger. Religion is another one. We go to different churche, different beliefs and different faith. I was a believer, he was not.

          N't 'til one day, I got mad at him over something. It was just a nonsense petty quarrel actually. I didn't meana to hurt him but he was. Then he told me that he just had it and he wouldn't want to see me. I couldn't help it but i easily get jealous. I've tried to overcome it but my weakness came back. When the time i knew and found out that he really meant it, that he's gonna be gone and be leaving me, i started to get afraid. I don't have his number, can't reach him when he's not online. How am i suppose to contact him? I don't even have his picture. I was afraid that i might never see him again. I was so afraid, too scraed that i might never be able to talk to him. So i emailed him to just hear me out and again give me some few minutes to read my letter. I told him how much he means to me and told him that i've never felt this feeling before. The feeling of getting excited everytime his name pops up at my screen. The feeling that i couldn't understand and couldn't explain. And though i'm older than him it wouldn't matter. And though i'm a believer and he's not, it wouldn't matter. I am saved and he's not, it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter becuse 'I love you so'. I have been loving you ever since then. And so on the 31st of August 2005, this was the day when we promised to have each other and never leave one another. I've asked him not to leave me. I was afraid, too afraid that he might leave without letting me know just as what i've experienced in that weird relationship i had. I told him, though he was my second boyfriend, i felt he was my first. My feelings for him was totally different from what i've felt before. I just love him so much. Call it crazy but it's true. I couldn't explain it that though i haven't touched him, or even talked with him visibly, i know what i'm feeling for him was love.

          Days... Weeks ... Months have passed and we haven't met personally even once. It was my birthday that i was able to talk to him for a long time. Yes, over the phone. He gave me his number at long last. So from that time on, we never stopped talking and sending messages with each other. From in-game chats and letters, to IM's and emails and now constant exchange of SMS's and talks over the phone was all we do. And i mean everyday. I got the job that i've been really praying for. God is always good to me, He gave me my dream jobs. It was the day before I'm suppose to sign the contract in a call center. He doesn't want me to work when he knew it and i don't know hy. Couldn't understand what his reasons are. Kept on crying that night. God allowed me to have my dream job and things happen 'coz He plans it. All i want from him that time was his support. I needed the money and not only for me but for my family too so i could support my parents and buy for their medications and being in a call center could allow me to make it happen. He just couldn't understand how much i wanted the job. I was confused at that time. My sister offered me a job too. I prayed and really had a hard time on deciding on which to choose. I told myself that having a relationship withan unbeliever is never that easy. We both aren't walking on the same direction. I called up the company and told them that an unexpected job from my sister came and i'm the only one who could have it and there's no one who could work for her but me. So I declined my dream job as a call center agent. Gave it up just for him. I had my sister's job instead, it was for almost a  month. I stayed at the condominium, away from home, it was my job. But our constant communication never stopped. With a job that would require me to work for 24/7, I was somehow about to give up but he was there to support. There were nights when all i could do is cry on to him when i get to talk to him over the phone. He says he's gonna get me and wante dus be together. No one knows from my family that i'm in a relationship. I kept on talking about him to my mother but she never knew that he;s my boyfriend. I wanted to tell her that i'm in a relationship but he tells me that he'd come over to our house and tell it personally to my parents. I've waited and waited.

          It was not until that i got my next job. I dodn't let him know, for sure he wouldn't allow me. I tok the job, signed the contract. I thought i could hide it from him but i just can't. He eventually knew it. Don't know how to lie and i don't know why. It must be God's grace that's been working in my life. I had my training but i wasn't having fun with it. All i want from him is some support and somehow he could understand why i took the job. God has been sogood to me providing everything. I dreamt of working in an online game company and He allowed me to. Even dreamt of working as a call center agent and He gave it to me too. In my week training, there wasn;t a single day that i didn't cry. he wanted me to got to their place. Couldn't sleep, there was too much pressure on me. My brother was in the hospital and there he is ... wanting me to quit the job and go to their place. I was having a hard time to decide Told him i couldn't leave my family behind. I tried to explain to him everything but he seems not to understand even a bit of it. He was mad at me and even said some harsh words. I wanted to give him up. I wanted to forget him 'coz i just had it. I couldn't take it anymore. He's been hurting me too much. Those days I've been struggling and been caught in between. But no matter how i'd try to forget him and give up our relationship i just can't. Believe it or not, twice i've been trying to kill myself, i didn't breathe. I thought that leaving this world would be the only solution to all these. I felt so confused. My mind so full that i can't think of any. That time, i didn't know how to pray. Everything that he wanted me to do, I did it just to please him. I bought myself plane tickets. My heart was beating so fast. I was afraid to lie to my family and to leave them. tried to explain it to him that from the time i take a step on the plane I could never get back. He just couldn't understand. I had my way and went to their place all alone. My brother was still in the hospital when i wen to their place. February 5, 2006 (Sunday) my flight for Iloilo was in the afternoon at 5:55PM. I reached there in 15 minutes. I was feeling ... the feeling that i couldn't explain. A lot of things came to my mind like, will he show up this time? Is he fooling me? But, there was one thing that I was sure of ... I trusted him and was excited to see him. Called him as we arrived at the airport. He answered ... I saw him, saw him in person. He was in front of me, I didn't let him finish talking, i hang up .. i just hugged him. Hugged him so tight. How i wish time would end and just stop right there at that moment. I didn't want to let go.

          I stayed there at their place. We were together for a week. I was able to hug and kiss him without a care in the world. That was the time that i knew everything about him (not quite). I do not want ot get into detail, all i know is ... he lied to me. All the things he told me when we were still apart and didn't meet were all lies. He wasn't telling the truth. When we were together, i never thought it would bring so much trouble to both of our families. I went to Iloilo without letting my family know. I ws so selfish. I lied, it was my first time to lie to my parents and to evryone. I was so afraid, so scraed that i didn't answer their calls, reply to their emails and text messages. He went to the airport to meet me without letting his family know where he'd go. That time, we were on our own. On the first couple of days, i thought everything would just be fine but as the sun sets and starts to shine on the next day, i told myself, "This is getting nowhere". We were heading nowhere. I thought i could start a new chapter of my life with him but not. My emotions were controlling my life that time. I was troubled, worried and never at peace. I wanted to call on to Him but i don't know how. I was too ashamed of Him too. There were lots of things, so many thoughts in my mind at that time. I want him to plan, plan things for both of us but everything just seemed to be out of hand. I wsn't prepared, he wasn't oo. My family wanted me to go home. I was scared, afraid to face my furious brother and everyone in the family. I knew I've caused so much trouble but i was afraid to face it.

          When I was still in Iloilo, i thought everything will be fine when I'd get back home. But ... I could not make things happen the way i wanted it to be. They were mad at him. They were so worried. They thought I was kidnapped, murdered and all. I left without a clue. My parents kept on crying the whole week when i wasn't home. He explained, he lied. They couldn't forget what he did. They couldn't forgive him. I could forget his lies, I do trust him. I could forgive him but they can't. I do not want another trouble anymore. They want him to go back to Iloilo. The day that frightened me just happened. I was crying my heart out. I was weeping of loneliness. I don't know what to do at that moment. I wanted to be gone and give up life. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I could not help it but tears would fall from my eyes ... I was able to touch him, hug him and kiss him then he'd be gone from my arms in a sudden. At the airport, that was the last moment I was able to hold him and kiss him. Then I bid him goodbye. we were apart. I never knew that that moment would be the last moment that I was able to hug him. I told him and let him understand that I could wait no matter how long He wanted me to wait. If we were meant to be then He would definitely find ways for us to be.

          My faily stopped me from commmunicating with him. I know I'm old ebough to decide on my own, I just don't want another trouble again. reading through his emails makes me want to cry. I wanted to let him know that i was struggling too since the day that we parted. All I do is stay in my room do nothing but cry and think about him. Trying to reminisce those days that I was with him. I kept on praying and tried to ask God for answers on why things happen this way. I wanted to get back on track 'coz I know I've been astray. I wanted to move on with my life, start working but i can't My records of my previous job ruined my career. Then He told me in Jeremiah 29:11-14 that He has better plans for me. He gave me hope. I tried to find Him and He showed Himself. I thought going back in his arms, marrying him and have a job at their place would be the answers but it's not. He told me in Eccleasiasted 3, that He'll make all things beautiful in His perfect time. He wants me to patiently wait, for His plans are great. I thought there was no hope for me, I thought He couldn't forgive me for what i did. I was selfish, I was disobedient. But in Lamentations 3, He says that His mercies are new every morning. It took me more than 2 weeks to recover and see people and go out of my room and out of the house as well.

          My cousin invited me to their church but I'd prefer to got to their extension church near our house. Their pastor personally invited me to Sunday Worship Service. I really wanted to go but they wouldn't allow me to go out alone. I told Pastor Kent that I cou;dn't go out alone, so he says he'd pick me up but auntie insisted and said she'd go with me. So we went to their church, we were welcomed. Tears couldn't stop from falling down through my face as He was talking to me. He wants me to move on. He forgave me. He wants me to run the race and go on with life and let Him rule it. As the song goes, "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back." He's still in my thoughts but I don't want to disobey my savior anymore.

          I prayed and decided to go to Korea 'coz I could never find a job here. I could not go on working with people whom I'm still winning their trust back. I wanted to work there, this time not selfishly but I wanted to provide something for my parents. And most of all I wanted to save for my future. Going to Korea would mean a new chapter of my life. I got down on my knees and prayed that He'd just direct me to where He'd lead me.

          After two weeks, the phone rang ... I got the visa. Everyone was happy. I got excited too. I know he doesn't want me to go but I have to. I'm just allowing God to work things out with my life. He emailed me and he said he has a job and even has a business. I told mama about it but she wouldn't believe. She even tells me not to 'coz it would probably be lies again. I know people make mistakes and only God knows if it's the truth or not. I believe on what he says, I trust him still that much. I have forgiven him for those things that he did and forgot and erased it in my mind and heart. I must admit it that there wasn't a single day that I didn't cry. I was missing him everyday. Each day that has passed knowing when I'd meet him again. I felt hopeless. I felt sorry knowing that all i could do is nothing at all. All I ever wanted is for him to open his heart and embrace God's love freely. I wanted to let him know the joy of having Jesus in my heart. Each day I was praying for him, I was praying for us. I've been praying for His guidance as to where He'd lead me.

          Jun, I wanted to let you know that from the moment that we parted, there was never a single day that I forgot about you. Never a single day that I missed you. Never a single day that I didn't cry. I wanted to hear your voice, hug you tight and feel your soft kiss. But I guess, all things would only happen if I close my eyes and think about you jun. My family don't want me to talk to you and even see you. They have reasons, I just don't want trouble. I know you got imperfections, who doesn't, you lied to me and to my family too. I forgave you. I don't bear grudge jun and you know that. God taught me that in Romans 12:19. You just don't know how I've been through during those days that I wanted to talk to you but i couldn't. I couldn't go out alone. Even when I go to church, our pastor has to pick me up from the house and bring me back after the Worship Sunday Service. It took me at least two weeks 'til I was ready to go out from my room and face people. There were times when i wanted to take that bottle of prozac just to forget everything that has happened. I was too ashamed, ashamed to face my friends and even my cousins and everyone. I felt that everytime I see someone, I would think he knew what had just happened. I wanted to talk to someone but i can't. The wouldn't allow me to hold a phone, check on the internet and even talk over the phone, all eyes were on me. I was alone jun. I had no one, 'til I opened my Bible and read my favorite chapter (Psalm 139). That was then I knew that He knew what I have been through. I know I've caused so much trouble to my family, friends and everyone else and I am sorry. I am sorry for giving them so much worry. God wants me to humble myself, accept that I was wrong. I went to you without letting my family know where I was, I lied. They were worried. They wondered where could we be. I believe it was love. They loved us so much.

It was not until a few days ago that I've learned something ... God taught me to be happy in everything and that includes in times of storm. Things happen because He wanted it to happen. He designed my life and knowing you was part of it. Trials came but I still was thanking Him for it. Without them I could never see how He has been loving me and been working through my life. I had a hard time trying to recover from the time when we parted that was because I didn't cast my burdens on Him. 1 Peter 5:7 says He cares for me. Though He made me see troubles and experience bitterness but He will restore my life again and bring me up (Psalm 71:20). Having you in my thoughts and prayers, I still am hoping for things to work out. There are questions still left unanswered but He wants me to wait patiently. (Psalm 37:7) They say promises are meant to be brobut promises made by the Most High are truly kept. Hebrews 13:8 says, He has been the same yesterday, even today and forever and He will never ever change. Still remember my promises to you? I'll be leaving for Korea this Saturday March 25, 2006 but this doesn't mean that I'll be leaving you too. I didn't break my promises to you jun. I may not be able to talk to you or may not even email or be able to talk to you but believe me, you're in my thoughts and prayers jun. It hurts me so much to say this but I have to say it anyway .... I don't want to let you worry so much. 'I am letting you go jun'. I want you to have joy eternally. Seek His name and everythingwill be given to you (Matthew 6:33). This trouble that we're facing in, He knows that we're that strong to handle it. He would not give it if we not bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13). He has been through what we've been through jun. And I want you to trust Him woth all your heart. (Proverbs 3:5) God has been testing my faith for me to keep on calling upon Him (James 1:2-3). He wants me to grow in His love. I've asked Him if we could be together at this very moment but He wouldn't allow it. He says no and I don't know why (James 4:3). As I start a new journey in Korea, I know God will lead me. He has opened the windows for me when doors were closed. Only He knows where we'd meet and when that would be. If He began a good work in me, He'd be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6). God has been preparing me for the time, and I know He is too with you. In His perfect time, things will happen more than we expect. You would just never know it.

You've taught me how to love unconditionally. You've taught me so many things. You've taught me to love someone beyond what you see. I've learned to trust someone too. Giving up life for someone. And making promises and never breaking it. (I've proven that jun). But above all, I thank my God I knew and loved you (Philippians 1:3) He made me see light from that darkness I was in. I've did things my way and I've had it. Now I want things right, I want to go on His way. I'll be missing you jun.